No, I don't have a boyfriend. I know, I know, you read the title and you were like "HURRAH! AUBREE IS NO LONGER A LOSER!"
Or not.
For humorous purposes, I wanted to give you a brief history of my love life.
First let me tell you that I have this odd attraction to guys with strange last names. I'm going to give each boy code names (except maybe a couple) so that if they ever stumble across this they don't die of horror.
My very first crush:
I will reveal his real name to you, because I don't think I'll ever contact him again in my entire life. His name was Danny Dingledien. When I tell people that, they don't believe me. They're like "Wasn't that the name of some cartoon character's first crush?" and I tell them, no. No, it is not. Danny and I were soul mates. It's true. When I was four years old, I laid eyes on his beautiful blond head and instantly fell in love. Danny bought me Pound Puppies for my 5th birthday. He also came up to me once at Wednesday night kids club to ask me how I was doing. We were about 1 step away from becoming boyfriend and girlfriend...until one day the evil seductress Jana (name changed for privacy purposes *snicker*) STOLE HIM AWAY FROM ME. They would sit underneath the play-dough table and play house, and she would pretend to shoot me with a gun while I sat quietly on the bench waiting for Danny to come back to me - WHERE HE BELONGED. Then one day, Danny moved away. It was one of the saddest days of my child-hood.
My First Substantial Crush:
When I was in Junior High, my family and I left our old church and went to a new one where I met the love of my life - the apple of my eye - the first guy I ever truly had any kind of a real interest in - let's call him...Dennis. Dennis and I had something. He liked me and I liked him. It was meant to be. It would last forever. Until a blond bombshell popped out of nowhere and stole him from me (figures). I really really liked Dennis. This crush lasted probably around 3 years (it was one of those on again off again things). I think I was about 14 or 15 before I stopped liking him. Everything would've worked out perfectly. Dennis and I spoke every day. We were best friends...except for the fact that Dennis had a massive crush on my best friend, and was totally using me to get to her. Little did I know, Dennis and my best friend were having make out fests every Saturday night while I sat at home and wrote in my diary about my pathetic life and how beautiful Dennis was even though he was a total jerk. Dennis soon realized that my best friend was a total skank and was making out with like, 4 other guys at the same time she was making out with him, and Dennis dumped her for another girl who dumped him for her old boyfriend. Well, I didn't care by then, because I had already moved onto the pinnacle of my love life thus far...and when I say pinnacle, I mean the most horrendous, disgusting part of it.
My first SERIOUS Boyfriend:
When I was 15 and a half years old, I met, and started dating a guy...well...I think the most appropriate name to give him would be...Dick.
Yes.
Dick suits him well.
Anyway, Dick was my first serious boyfriend. We dated for about two years and thought we were going to get married and junk. It was US AGAINST THE WORLD. and NOTHING COULD STOP US. and IT DIDN'T MATTER WHAT THEY SAID, WE'D PROVE THEM WRONG! also, OUR LOVE WAS STRONGER THAN THEIRS, and THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TRUE LOVE WAS BECAUSE THEY'RE OLD.
Dick and I went through very many stages. There was like "*Giggle*Ilikeyou*giggle*" stage.
Then there was the "lakshgluhawough" which basically stands for sucking each others faces all the time stage. After that, there was the baby talk phase where we only spoke to each other in baby talk. Then there was the "I'm going to act like an idiot around you all the time, because I'm immature" phase. We insisted on spending every moment of every day together. I was restless without him by my side (oh gosh, BARF).
Then, one day, Dick went to college.
That's where Dick met two of his homo friends, who he wanted to have gay homo sex with (ok, I'm exaggerating a little here...BUT THIS IS FOR LITERARY PURPOSES), so, as it always goes, Dick decides to stand true to his name and dump me two weeks before Christmas by telling me that he still wanted to be my best friend, that he still wanted me to go to the college which he was going to, which he basically stole from me because I'd wanted to go there since I was 10 years old, and that he'd call me all the time. Then he sent me a nasty email telling me to stop contacting him even though I never called him and emailed him twice because I wanted my crap back from his pyschotic parent's house. The last time I saw him was when he decided to bring his girlfriend to MY church, which he no longer goes to and rub my nose in it. I wonder if she knows he's having gay homo sex? Whoops! Shame on you Aubree. Bad. Bad Aubree.
My Current Love Adventures.
My First Crush After My First Relationship:
Was, as it always is, absolutely massive, and absolutely ridiculas. No joke. I don't even need to give this guy a name. We're really good friends now, and nothing came out of it, but I like, drooled over him for like ever. It's actually not even worth mentioning.
My First DATE after My First Relationship:
Was with a guy named Ican'tmakeupmymindbecausemybodyistoolargetoevenreallytrulyhaveamind. Ok, that wasn't his name, but oh well. His name is Joe, and I'm only saying his name because I don't care if he stumbles across this because I actually have some somewhat nice things to say about him after the horrible things I'm about to say. Joe's like, huge. He's a football player at the college he goes to. That's basically why I liked him. And his last name is weird. See, weird magnetic forces attract me to guys with strange last names. Anyway, we went on like, one date, emailed a ton, and yeah. First let me describe our first date.
1. He takes me to like, some cheap nasty family restaurant where the cheeseburgers are disgusting. Just for the record, I'm the queen of the cheeseburger. Cheeseburgers are my one true love. He doesn't pick me up, he meets me there, which is cool, except I get there like, exactly on time, and I get the feeling that he's been waiting there for me desperately for like, a good 20 minutes, because he's got this look of sheer terror written on his face like he was petrified I wouldn't show. So when he see's me walk through the door, his whole entire dumb face lights up - and you know how I feel about people adoring me - I love it, so I was sucked in.
2. He was oddly sweaty. Like...weirdly so. Not just overly nervous. As if his largeness was just overtaking him and he couldn't like...I don't know...be coolish.
3. We go see a movie, which we both had already seen (isn't that stupid? I don't know why we made that choice...), and he starts playing the...should I hold her hand game? I find this extremely hilarious, because a lot of guys have played this game with me. He'd gradually move his arms from a crossed on his chest position, to resting on his thighs. Then, ever so subtly, he'll move his hand closest to mine closer to mine off his thigh. He'll even reach for my hand a few times, but chicken out and retreat, only to start all over again. Now, a nice person would just do him a favor and reach out and grab his hand, but I find it totally hilarious to let him sweat it out because I'm such a little wench like that and I don't even care. So he FINALLY grabs my hand, and I grab his back, and his arm is like, stiffer than a plank. Like, he's so tense.
4. He totally went in for a kiss, and I totally deflected it by hugging him and burrying my face in his chest. I hate first date kissers. Actually, I don't kiss at all anymore. I don't like kissing. No guy unless he gives me an expensive peice of jewelery is worthy of touching my lips with his. No way, no how. Sorry, wrong answer. You do not pass go, you do not get 200 dollars.
So then, we email for a week and plan to go on another date, when he calls me and pretty much breaks it off with me, except he doesn't really, he tells me he wants to get to know me more as a friend before we officially start dating. Then, he texts me over the weekend, and then I text him like a couple days later, then get an email telling me he isn't interested anymore. The next thing I know, he's changed his relationship status to in a relationship with another girl named slutty mcslutpants. I'm just kidding. I'm sure she's an awesome girl.
My point is, I actually really respected Joe for being so upfront about his feelings. Like, you're going to feel what you feel, and if you liked this other girl more than me, I sure as heck don't want to be dating a guy who's only dating me because he feels like he has to follow through. I want to be with a guy who wants to be with me (surprise, surprise, right?). So no skin off my bones. So Joe, if you ever truly read this (even though I was totally jerky and unfriended you on Facebook. It was honestly because I got sick of seeing your relationship news pop up on my newsfeed), please know that I think you're a pretty cool guy, but obviously not the right guy for me...and that's good, because I'm not the right girl for you. I wish you all the luck in life. Thanks for being honest. You saved me a heck of a lot of mushyness and heartache that was completely unneccesary.
Then I Got Really Desperate...
Here's the thing about being a nanny...you spend your entire days with little kids. When you watch little kids, you begin to feel like an overweight house wife who doesn't even have someone going to work to buy her expensive things. So, I got a little desperate, and I clicked on an add I saw on Facebook for "woome.com"
I was just "looking" when a guy's message popped up on my screen. Now, being that I'm such a little jerk, I decided I wanted to flirt, so I start messaging him, and I find out he's in the Navy. Now, to me that seems safe because there's no way I'm going to get into a relationship with a dude who's about to be shipped off. Well, it turns out that Navy creeper guy is in Chicago until November something, and he asks me if I want to meet him downtown to hang out.
I deleted my account and swore off internet dating.
And then I met that guy who was an idiot who I say "hi" to and dumped him which I realized was actually really redeeming for reasons that are too complicated to go into.
And now, I have no one. Except for a guy who I think is kind of cute who goes to one of the bible studies at my school (No, it's not CRU, so if any of the CRU guys who are totally curshing [and I know you are] read this, don't get your hopes up), and this other guy who would be absolutely perfect except for the fact that the second he opens up his mouth he sounds gay - but he says he's not. It's really confusing.
There have also been a series of guys in between that I rejected for stupid reasons. In fact, they are so pathetic, I will list them for you.
1. They don't understand the proper usage of you're/your.
2. They're short.
3. They like me too much
4. I don't like Pollocks
5. They said something once that slightly resembled something my ex boyfriend would've said.
6. They like the Packers.
7. They like the White Sox.
8. They're too Christian
9. They aren't Christian enough
You get the picture.
So, based on all of that history, I've come to the conclusion that I don't want a boyfriend right now because I know I'm going away to school next year and I don't want to be tied down. Isn't that horrible?
Who knows.
I don't know if I'll ever get this whole thing figured out. All I know is that I'm so glad I'll never be the future Aubree Dingledein.
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