I am not qualified for this position...

I don't understand why boys constantly ask me for relationship advice. Girls do, too, don't get me wrong. It's just mainly boys. I'll get these messages on FB Chat describing all the long and gory details of their love life...or lack there of. It baffles me. It's like, somebody posted a bulletin containing false information that I'm an expert in this field. I'm not. Not in the least, little, tiniest speck of a way am I an expert. In fact, I am so under qualified it's not even funny. It should be considered a federal offense for me to give out relationship advice, because I have no idea how to make a real relationship work. I have trouble even making friendships work - excluding all the mushy gushy I love you's. I'm completely dysfunctional when it comes to the opposite sex. So why are you asking me what you should do to make this girl like you? Why are you asking me my opinion? Maybe you should come to me when you've just gotten dumped...then I might know what to tell you, because I sure as heck know about getting dumped...a heck of a lot more than I know about relationships. Actually, scratch that, maybe you shouldn't, because I've been rejected enough times that at this point, I don't want to hear your whiny story because I've got about three for every one that you have. I'll probably just tell you to pull up your big boy/girl pants, grow up, and move on. I'm pretty mean like that.

In fact, I don't understand why people ask me for advice period. I don't really think I'm that good at giving it. Most of the time, I just pull crap out of my butt on what I think might work in their situation. I have no real idea or real experience that might give me an idea on how to solve a problem. I just know how to live with problems. That's all. It's like, one second it'll be just joking around, hi how are you's, being a dork, and the next minute, they've bared their whole soul to me, and I'm standing there with my mouth gaping open because I can't even remember how we got from joking about our fat butts, or talking about music to all of your suppressed feelings. I'm completely uncomfortable with people telling me their problems. It makes me feel awkward - in fact, I'm so much a narcisist that it irritates me when people tell me their problems because it means I can't keep going on and on about mine. Isn't that horrible? Does that sound like the kind of person you'd want to ask advice from? No. Not to me, at least. People tell me all the time "You're sooo easy to talk to!" Personally, I think I come off as a distant angry looking witch. Apparently, that's not the case.

What's so weird about it, is it's not even people I know really well a lot of the times asking me for advice - it's people I've talked to like, twice before in my entire life. I don't know, maybe people think I'm really good at the advice thing since I got dumped in possibly the most horrible way anyone could ever get dumped in about a year ago, and that automatically makes me a caring and compassionate person - newsflash...it doesn't. All it does is make me pity you less because I know what it's like to get dumped, and honestly there are worse things in the world than your little girlfriend breaking up with you for some stud...really, you'll be fine. Trust me. In a few weeks you'll be chasing someone elses skirt. Believe me.

What bugs me the most is when people say things like "I think we really had something" or "We connected so deeply" or even "They were my everything" and I'll start to feel a little dwelling of compassion take occupancy in my soul, and I"ll ask them "Oh no, how long were you dating for"
Then they'll raise their eyebrows, and say "Well, let's see...about three months"

Three months? Please. That's bull. You didn't have something. You didn't connect deeply. They most certainly were not your everything. Just because you made out for three months straight (and when I say that, I mean that's ALL you did for three months) doesn't mean that you've been cut deeply in your soul. I dated a guy for two years. Two years. That's a heck of a long time. At least for high-school relationships it is, anyway. I was convinced I was getting an engagement ring for Christmas...and instead I got the boot. And I got over it...if I can get over it, then you can deary, so suck it up. THAT'S my advice.

Now pull up your panties and shut up because I don't want to hear it anymore.

Now, it also dawns on me that sometimes boys do this to draw a girls attention. Now, I don't knwo what kind of a sick and sorry idiot you are, but I'm not the girl to be playing the sympathy card on, as you can probably tell by now. I'm not going to feel sorry for you. Chances are, I'm going to be creeped out by you. How about you try talking to me by...hmm...let's see...asking me about myself. I love talking about myself. It's true. I'm not afraid to admit it. It's one of my favorite past-times. Or maybe, just maybe, you could tell me a funny joke. That might work, too.
You don't have to come up with some sick and twisted scheme to endear me to you, especially since it's not going to work. Go play that trick on the next stupid sap.

So, in conclusion, I'd like to let everyone know, that if you ask me for relationship advice, you need to know that I'm completely incapable of making any kind of a relationship work. IN FACT, the only relationships I ever had, I either A.) Acted like a crazy maniac B.) Felt that I needed to share the horrible truths of my acting like a crazy maniac on the first date, therefore scaring Mr. Wonderful off or C.) Decided that because Mr. Wonderful wasn't an angsty rock star, I didn't like him...

So, before you ask me for relationship advice, please consider that I can't make a relationship work myself. I'm happy to advice you, but your relationship will probably crash and burn if you take my advice. You have been warned.