God always gives you hands to hold

So...

I'm two weeks into my new job, and let me just say that I totally love it. How could I not? Duhhh.

But like, the thing is, for the last two weeks I've been really having these moments where I'm like "Wow, I wouldn't trade my life for the world" and I feel the need to blog about this.

One of my favorite things to do is reflect back on my life. When I think back to my life three years ago, I'm totally appalled as to how different I am, and how far I've come. Or four, or five, but my favorite time to reflect on is probably about a year and a half ago.
Let me give you little bit of background information before I go on.

In my life, I've had a lot of meaningless and trivial things that I've placed extreme importance on. You should also know that I'm all about lists and schedules...plans, too. And about a year and a half ago, I had a heck of a lot of trivial, meaningless things, and plenty of plans.

First and foremost, I had a plan to get married...I even knew WHO I was going to marry. Or thought I did, anyway. I had been dating this guy for a while, and we talked about getting married all the time. I thought by the time I was 20 or 21 I'd be married to him.

Secondly, I knew what college I was going to. Moody Bible Institute...the same college that I had wanted to go to since I was in 7th grade, and had sold the guy I was dating on. He applied and got in the year before I had planned to go there.

Third, I knew what job I was going to have. I was positive actually. I was going to be a church worship director in the same church as my future husband.

So basically, I had my entire life planned out before me. That occupied a huge part of my heart. I also had other things that occupied parts of my heart, like running and like some of my friends.

Then one day, I started to feel a tiny, but rather noticeable knock on my heart. Yes...it was God. All of a sudden, I started to hear Him whisper, in the quiet, at night when I was laying in bed "Aubree...my beloved...trust me".
I didn't want to trust Him. I knew that trusting Him meant the possibility of giving up the stuff in my life...my schedules and plans, and surrendering them to God. I knew God's power and supremacy...I knew that if He was asking me to trust Him, it probably was because I wasn't...which meant that a lot of the things in my life were things that God didn't want for me...that weren't good for.
So I tried soo hard to block him out. I filled my life with busyness. I had a job as a nanny and asked to increase my hours. I volunteered for innumerable amounts of things at church. I had something to do every single day of the week, and my weekends were jam packed, too.
The knock grew louder, still.
"Aubree...trust me"
So I tried to reason.
"God, I DO trust you, if I wasn't trusting you, I wouldn't volunteer at church, and I wouldn't be planning on going to BIBLE COLLEGE to be in MINISTRY, Father, I trust you! How can you not see me trusting you!?"
"God, I don't want to trust you unless you can guarantee me that trusting you will mean I still get to keep all my stuff. When you show me a sign, then I will trust you"

The knock grew even louder. "My daughter, my love, you need to trust me"

So one night, in the middle of the Fall, in the middle of all my doubt and emptiness, I gave in. "Ok, Lord." I said "I trust you"

And I did. And he did exactly what I knew He'd do.

First, one afternoon while I was running, I dislocated my knee cap. It hurt like heck, and it stopped me running for about 6 months. Next, the guy I had been dating for two years broke up with me. Most of my friends had already gone off to college, so I didn't really have them, either.
In two incredible blows, I had lost the majority of my "Plan"
I was crushed. The fire of life had burnt me piece by piece...and all that was left was the ashes.
Even still though, I clung to the ashes. I clung to dust. I clung to what was left.
I still had my college. So I waited for the application I had labored over to come back...the acceptance letter to come in the mail. I waited...and waited...and waited....
Until finally, it told me I was deferred. Basically, they were going to tell me if I was accepted until further notice. They gave me until April 1st.

In the mean time, I had started working my job as a nanny for two boys, named Jason and Derek every day, versus working three days a week. I'd pick them up from school, and hang out with them, do home work with them, drive them to after school activities. After a while, it stopped being a job, and started because this thing that I loved. I started to love Jason and Derek after having the majority of the things in my life that I loved crushed. I saw these hurting little boys, who needed someone to just hang out with them, to invest in them. It took my outside of myself...momentarily, anyway.

Then one Sunday evening I went to my friend's youth group with him, and heard a message on trusting God. The guy speaking talking about all he wanted to do was go to this certain college all of his life. He spent all of junior high and high school preparing to go there...getting the credentials...and when it came time to apply, he did. And he got rejected. So he went to his safety school, until he could apply the next year. So he did. He got accepted.
And then God told him to deny the acceptance. He said it was the hardest thing he's even done in his entire life, but he did it. And he's never regretted it.

I started to feel the knock again.
"Aubree...trust me"

I ignored it.

"Aubree...I love you...trust me"

Still, I didn't listen.

I waited and waited and waited for that letter to come back. I wanted to go to Moody so badly...with so much of everything I was. To me, my life depended on going to Moody. I had wanted to go there since I was a little girl. It was going to be the happiest day of my life when I opened that acceptance letter.

And then...one evening I was reading my bible, and I got to this verse in Matthew where it talks about learning from the little children. Immediately, my mind went straight to Jason and Derek. I started thinking about their little unsaved hearts, and how lost they were. All the hurt that they had suddenly was welled up in my heart, and I knew in that instant what I needed to do. And if that didn't help, then I turned to Matthew 6..."Seek first HIS kingdom, and HIS righteousness...and all these things will be added to you"

And I broke. I gave everything to God in that moment.

I made the decision to stay home, go to COD and keep my job with Jason and Derek. It became very extremely clear to me that I had a choice between going to school and learning about ministry, and how to tell people about Jesus...and actually telling people about Jesus. Loving people like Jesus loves me. It seems stupid to choose to learn about it when God gives you the opportunity right there.

In April, the letter came, wait listing me. Then, in June, I got accepted to Moody Bible Institute.

I turned it down. It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my entire life. I will never ever regret it. I will never regret obeying God.

Recently, our economy completely crashed. In November, Derek and Jason's dad got laid off from his job. That meant Jason and Derek's parents had to lay me off, too. We were all really sad about it, but I knew God was closing that chapter of my life. I miss them every single day.

Two weeks ago, I started a new job at the YMCA in Glen Ellyn as an assistant child care giver for Kindergartners. I love it so much. What I love the most, is that over the last year or so working with kids, making all these hard decisions, I've learned the most valuable lesson that cannot even be priced I've ever learned from the kids. I've learned how to love. I'm learning, I should say. Without regard to color, bias, race, belief, or anything. I'm learning how to love with abandon, and how to run towards that love with all my life. I'm learning how to throw my head back and laugh at absolutely nothing and not care if people think I'm crazy. Mostly, I'm learning how to be myself, no matter what.

Today, as I was walking alongside the little line of kids to go play in the gym at work, a little girl grabbed my hand, and I realized something.

I traded holding the big warm protective hands of a boy, to sit in the hands of my father in heaven, who replaced that boys hand with the hand of that little girl.

I traded caring and devoting my time to plans and schedules, to follow GOD'S plans...and God planned for me to spend my time watching the hours fly by as I build Legos, or watch movies while my legs go numb because I have two children sitting on each of my legs, and two others at my sides with their heads on my shoulder.

I traded passion and romance and plans and goals for LOVE.

And that's what I have. I am the most loved person in the entire world. I have immeasurable number of hugs at my disposal, and 40 hands to hold at any given time. I have about 20 pictures right now sitting my room that were hand crafted by the cutest little artists in the world.

FOR THE RECORD, I'm going to Judson University in the Fall. NOT Moody. I'm really excited. It feels right. And I'm not getting any little "knocks" yet.