My Favorite Things About COD

(WARNING - THE FOLLOWING IS FILLED WITH SARCASM AND MAY BE SLIGHTLY OFFENSIVE)

1. The fact that pretty much every person on campus smokes. Don't get me wrong. I seriously don't care if you smoke, just please don't blow it in my face. I'll walk past someone, and it literally seems like they are just waiting for me to pass by them so they can blow their disgusting smoke in my face. If the smell of cigarettes, and the lovely notion of second hand smoking isn't already jammed in my brain, there's also the element of the fact that the smoke you're blowing out is being distributed from your mouth with is coated in germs. So really, I love it. Just keep on giving me germ infested second hand smoke.

2. Let me tell you a few things about myself. I eat healthy. I try very hard to do this. I also try very hard to regulate my sleeping schedule so that I get a sufficient amount of sleep every night. I try to exercise, and stay out of intense stress situations because these things all affect my immune system. I take Vitamin C to prevent from getting sick. I have yet to get really seriously sick in about a year. I've gotten allergies and a couple of like, minor colds that lasted for two days or something, but other than that, I've been a fairly healthy person.
So, if you choose to eat crap all day long, stay up until 4 in the morning, and run around like an idiot, touching every germ infested surface in the world, then that's fine. When you do get sick, since if you do all the above things, it's pretty inevitable that you will, do me a big favor and do not lean forward in your seat and cough all over me. Because no matter how many precautions I take to prevent any kind of illness, if you are coughing directly on my desk, my back, and all over my clothes without covering your mouth, I too will most likely have whatever the heck you have.

3. So, my second class gets out 5 minutes late. I need to haul it to get over to my next class on the other end of the building in time. This normally would not be a big deal. I'm moving pretty fast, making pretty good progress, when out of no where, this HUGE, FAT person walks in front of me, starts walking in the MIDDLE of the hall way, is fully aware of the fact that I'm behind them, and continues to lumber along, taking their sweet time.
Would you like to know what I'm thinking? It goes something like this:
"Oh sure honey, no problem. Just walk right in front of me. It's perfectly ok. I understand that you want to take your time and not over exert yourself. You can walk in the middle of the hall way too, because I don't mind at all getting stuck behind you. And that odor you're permeating throughout the entire building? Don't worry about it. You don't need to shower! You're conserving water! Good for you! I don't really mind being late for class, anyway. I mean, yeah, the professor I have may be kind of a stickler for late arrival, but it's perfectly ok. If he marks me as absent because I was late, it's ok because I haven't been absent all term so far! So you just go ahead, and move along in your own pace. I'll be right here behind you, not saying a word."

Oh yes. Those are exactly the thoughts that run through my mind.

4. K, I feel the need to spit every now and then, too. Seriously. I also feel the need to belch sometimes, too. Here is a handy tip to take care of those things: Go into the freaking bathroom, and spit into the sink...OR, at least spit into the grass so that I can't have to walk in your spit. That's disgusting. And the belching? You know, you really don't have to lean back and let loose. Sure, maybe you come from an uncivilized family where you mother let's you put your fat smelly feet on the table and lean back and let the whole world know that you just had a big cheeseburger with onions for lunch and a can of Coke, but in public, there are people in your presence that would greatly appreciate it if you burped under your breath. Thank-you.

5. Listen, if I wanted to see tongue action happening, I could get a boyfriend and do it with him...I don't want to watch you make out with your ugly hairy boyfriend in the halls. It's sick. I don't care if you make out, it's up to you man, but if you decide that you'd like to swap spit, then do me the favor of going to your car, or better yet, going to a different country so that I don't have to watch you give your boyfriend a tonsillectomy with your tongue.

Oh yeah, and for the record...it's not in the least bit attractive for you to walk around with your beer belly hanging out of your shirt - and yes, I'm talking to you, girls...and yes...girls get them, too.

6. Do you know how many times I've tripped over people's feet in the halls? Yeah. These HUGE, MASSIVE guys who play football or something (Because, lo and behold, COD actually has a football team. Who knew? I sure didn't) are like, 6 foot forever, and they sit on the hall floors with their legs spread wide and stretched all the way out. What are you hoping for there buddy?
The least you could do is move your legs when you see that there are two people moving in opposite directions trying to get past your obnoxiously gigundo feet.

7. And, to drive in how disgusting and lazy people can be, let me just make one final point:

The other day, I found a Burger King cup laying outside the IC on the pavement...literally ten steps away from a garbage can. First of all - EW! There's the germ factor again (I'm starting to think that either everyone else is unaware of the reality of germs, or I'm just a massive germaphobe...what do you think?) Second of all: Really? How long would it have taken you to walk the extra ten steps to the trash can to throw out the Burger King cup? There's not way it blew out of the trash, because when I threw it away (because I'm just a fine, upstanding citizen like that...and I vote, too), the garbage can was only half full.
If you just ate at Burger King, chances are you need the exercise of walking the extra 2,000 calories you probably just consumed off - and not that you'll take care of this by walking to the garbage can (by the way, did you know that 2,000 calories is what the average human should be consuming according to health standards on a daily basis?), but it's a start. So get off your fat, lazy, BK eating butt, and throw away your cup, so that I don't have to do it. And, I DO have to do it, for the sake of my own freaking sanity.

Thank-you, and goodnight.

Aubree